Geez, I must be a serious freak!
My studio mate and I just went to a local pub to eat dinner. The waitress is this really cute, friendly girl with a nice smile, bright demeanor, the whole nine yards. When she came to our table, she seemed to enthusiasticly greet my friend. She had an effervescence in her interaction with him.
When it came time to take my order, her demeanor takes a 180 degree turn. It seems like it's the most painful chore she has ever had to endure. I consider myself a very intuitive person. Being an artist/animator has helped me develop a deep understanding of body language. I'm not ever oblivious to my surroundings. I pick up on the most subtle vibes.
And this young woman definitely turned to ice with me. I usually don't let it bother me because I've got more important things to worry about than what people think of me. Lately, though, I've become more sensitive to it. Especially where women are concerned. Intimate relationships haven't been the most important thing in my life. I've always lived my life with an "I'm alone but not lonely" state of mind. Creative fulfillment was always more important to me than pursuing relationships.
It's been so long, though, since I've had a relationship with someone, I feel like I've slipped into this comfort zone where it's easier to just fill my day up with artistic pursuits than to go out and meet people. And if I stay in that zone too much longer, I'm really afraid that I won't be able to dig myself out of it. It's a frightening concept to think of myself ten years from now and see the same guy in the same situation. I definitely don't want that. It scares the fuck out of me.
But I really don't know what to do to change it around. I might as well be a damn virgin again considering as little dating I've done since my last committed relationship. I wouldn't know the first thing about dating woman now. I'm usually a quiet person. That's a big strike against me it seems. I've got a lot to say when confronted, but I hardly ever initiate conversations. I think it's a confidence issue. I'm very confident when it comes to things I know I'm good at doing. But social situations bring out the weakest aspects of my personality.
I assume that the problem is ME. I've felt for a long time that I just don't have anything to offer someone. It's definitely a supreme drag. And every situation where I tried to put myself out there, it's been nipped in the bud before it even gets started. I'm back in that hole, screaming at the top of my lungs "what the hell is wrong with me!!!" and there are no answers.
So tonight the hole was dug just a little deeper. I tried to be friendly and smile, but it didn't work. I'm sure I came off forced and insincere. I feel like this is the response that I am destined to receive from every woman I ever try to interact with. I think my studio mate has a very light aura about him. Smiling comes effortlessly to him. He deflected my compliment that he's "easy to interact with" by saying something self effacing like "they just see me as the nice uncle". If that's the case, then they must see me as the sex offender uncle.
I just can't seem to stop digging and digging.
I wonder, am I hopeless at this point? What does my future hold for me? Right now, it doesn't look too bright. Well, at least where women are concerned.
It's not a completely negative story. I think creatively I'm in the best place I've ever been. In my recent past, I've fought with feelings of hatred for the artist in me. Everyday was a struggle with creative apathy and loathing. But the last few years have been a re-awakening for me. I love it again like I used to when I was younger. But I know that it can't be the only thing that sustains me in life. I can see the vicious cycle that I will fall into if I don't change my ways. I will have to find a happy balance. It's imperative.
:)
posted by Brian @ 8:46 PM
3 Comments:
hey brian, sorry i've been awol.
you know, it sounds like it may be coming from your end, only in the sense that you say things like, "I assume that the problem is ME. I've felt for a long time that I just don't have anything to offer someone." I know we all have self-doubt and we don't REALLY think that, but we worry, and that worry colors our interaction with ourselves and thus, with other people.
Like, take this girl out of the equation. Maybe you looked like an evil ex or you actually had a one night stand with her that blew her mind, but you never called. Or maybe it was random personal problems, or you were giving off an energy that she misinterpreted.
Who knows, so don't worry about her.
In terms of guys in general, I've had guys tell me that they were interested in me. And I'll say, oh, you mean that time when you wouldn't talk to me and and acted like you were disgusted just looking at me? I told a guy once that he REALLY hurt my feelings because I was really excited to run into him and he was so standoffish, acting like I was some homeless guy who was trying to rub up against him. I was actually really upset about it and even after he told me it was because he liked me and didn't know what to do, it made me just think that this guy will always have problems expressing himself or shutting down the moment he fears rejection.
I think that's something guys don't realize they do...that they can give off really negative vibes when they're protecting themselves from rejection. It's like they shut off their own good energy and hide behind this prickly shell, and they have no idea they're doing it. And when girls react to that, or react to getting mildly attacked by this defense mechanism, the guys think the girl is being a hater for no reason.
This is just a perspective. But you seem like a nice, caring, cool guy but maybe you're not really showing yourself in all your glory because you have a subconscious defense mechanism up that hides your true, wonderful self. Maybe you should think about rejection, your fear of it, and how to feel more confident in yourself so that you know that if someone isn't interested in dating you, that doesn't knock the validity and quality of who you are, and that sometimes a person just doesn't recognize a good thing (her loss) or sometimes it's about chemistry. Lord knows, I'm sure you've rejected plenty of girls because you just didn't feel that "it" thing.
Anyway, don't get down on yourself. I know this experience was upsetting, I'd be upset too. But don't question yourself. Just take some time one day, take stock of yourself, think about all the great things about yourself--your creativity, your eloquence, your ambition, your kindness, your ability to see things that other people can't, your sensitivity, etc. and really take note of the value of it all. You are probably in a minority of people who have a deeper perspective, and honestly, the majority of people don't understand the value of that because they live life more shallowly. So the search is harder and there's more loneliness involved, but when you find people like you, they will recognize just how valuable your unique traits are and they won't take it for granted.
Don't settle, Brian! But definitely don't devalue yourself or take this as a knock on yourself. You just have to commit to believing in yourself in every aspect of who you are!
Hope everything is going well!
Wow! Julia. Thanks for that.
I actually don't know what else to write. You've rendered me speechless.
I will add that I've read through half of the script you sent me. I really like it!! It's dark, twisted humor. I've been wanting to contact you to let you know that I haven't completely forgotten it. I've just been very busy lately. Which is a good thing.
Thanks again, Julia.
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