How do I feel.......continued.

I was determined not to let my feelings stay bottled up. I had done that too many times in the past. So, I wrote her a long letter expressing how I felt. I was so fucking afraid of giving it to her that I mailed it to her and jumped on a plane to New Zealand. I actually mailed the letter while I was at the airport just so there was no chance she got it before I left. I was a Marine, dammit! I served time in a war zone, yet I don't have the courage to face a woman head on with my feelings. What does that say about me? Getting shot at is less scary than getting shot down. :P

The whole trip I thought about nothing but her. I didn't spend much time in New Zealand. When I got back home, I couldn't sleep that night. The next day I knew I would see her and I didn't know what the heck was going to happen. I walked into the studio shaking like a leaf. Eventually everybody started showing up around ten. I'd already been there for three hours trying not to implode. She never showed up. I asked around and found out that she went back to Israel for a time. What a relief that was. But when she came back, things got really tense. I took her aside and asked her what she was thinking. She told me she had to take some time and think it through. So I backed off.

About a week later, she came to me and told me that she didn't feel the same way. Considering the way I felt about her, I took it well. The whole time she was gone I convinced myself she wouldn't want me anyway. So hearing it directly didn't really produce any emotion at all. I kind of shut down emotionally after that. I became very aloof towards her. I know it was just a defense mechanism.

She left the company and the friendship effectively ended. I tried my best not to contact her. A childish response to how I felt. About a year later, we started communicating again. We spent some time together and rekindled the friendship. By this time I was (mostly) over her, but the feelings for her were welling up again. I was still very attracted to her physically, but I kept the emotions suppressed. I was going through some problems at the time and didn't need the added pressure. It didn't stop me from flirting with her at every opportunity. I didn't give a toss how it made her feel, this was about my own satisfaction.

A month had passed without a word between us. I played the aloof card again; refused to email her. But through the grapevine I heard that she got back together with "the boyfriend". That put the final nail in the coffin. I just stopped responding to any of her emails. I didn't stop asking about her through our mutual friends, though. There would always be thoughts of her and I needed to know how she was.

A few weeks ago, I asked a friend if he'd heard from her. He said yes and that she was pregnant. And on Tuesday, January 18th I found out she got married. Like I said, this is great news. In the pics she looks happy and content. That's all I want. I have yet to respond to the email. I know I will. It's just a question of when. But if I don't.........

Best of luck Z. I hope you have a long, happy, and fruitful life.

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Sketch: Around 95 minutes I believe. Self portrait 2. Everytime I post something self-centered and personal, I will add a Self portrait. That way any readers of this blog can know to skip the torture. It's for your own good. :)

Actually, this is something with which I would like to test my determination. 100 self portraits in as many days. Hmm. I will have to think that over.